How do you forgive?

Forgiveness is beautiful in the abstract but messy in the doing

I said in my sermon this past week that forgiveness is beautiful in the abstract, but messy in the reality of life. Yet it is right there in that messiness of life that Jesus is there among us.

The question then becomes how then do we forgive? Is there are process that you have to go through? Is forgiveness instantaneous? I like Dr. Randal O’Brien’s, former President of Carson Newmon University, definition of forgiveness:  Forgiveness is the removal of personal barriers in a relationship caused by wrongdoing, real or imagined (from his book Set Free by Forgiveness). The question then becomes how do we remove those barriers caused by harm in a relationship?

From both my study of scripture, psychology and personal experience, here is a typical process of forgiveness you can implement in your life.

1.    Acknowledge the hurt. There is power in naming what has happened to you. In fact you cannot forgive what you cannot name. Think of the conversation between Peter and Jesus after the resurrection. When Jesus repeated the question, “do you love me?” three times, there is an acknowledgement of how Petere had wronged Jesus. In other words, Jesus named the hurt between him and Peter.

2.    Confess your pain. First of all, confess it to God. Pain does not stay inside the body. It will ooze out in different ways – through stomach issues, anxiety, depression, etc. If you have a safe friend, confess that pain to the friend. In an instance of reconciliation, confess your pain to the one who wronged you. Sometimes that is not possible, but if reconciliation is your goal, confessing your pain is necessary.

3.    Search yourself to see if you did anything wrong. Take a personal inventory. What role, if any, did you play in the barrier set up in your relationship? Is there anything you need to confess that you did wrong?

4.    Release it to God. In the Psalms, there is a prayer called the prayer of release. It occurs in the Psalms of lament in a section of the psalm called the “trusting” section. You bring the wrongdoing to God and let God deal with it justly and mercifully.

5.    Pray for their good. When you pray for someone’s good your posture changes towards the person over time. David Benner talks about praying for his ex-wife each day. At first his body tightened up thinking about her. However, over time, he noticed his body relaxing and genuinely wanting her to have a flourishing life. That’s when he knew he had forgiven her.

6.    If safe to do, approach the wrongdoer with forgiveness. Again this would have reconciliation as a goal most of the time. Sometimes for you to be released, you have to say something to the wrongdoer. Not every situation is safe and it would take discernment between God, you and your support network around you.

Forgiveness is messy but necessary. Praying for you on your forgiveness journey