This morning my daughter cut out a heart to make as a card. She wanted to not waste the paper so she colored the outline of the heart to give to me. As she was finishing up, she accidentally ripped the paper. With tears in her eyes (because she hates making mistakes - a family emotional hazard) she brought me the broken heart. I told her in a moment of parenting bliss,
”It’s ok baby. A heart that is broken is a heart that is open. Your heart has to be open to give and receive love.”
She said, “Wow dad, I like that. Where did you learn that?”
“U2. And your sisters Maggie and Ellen.”
The subtitle to this is a heart that is broken is a heart that is open. It is a line from a U2 song called Cedarwood Road . That line hit me at a vulnerable time in my life - when my heart was broken over the death of our twin girls Maggie and Ellen.
The moment my daughters died forever marked me a changed man. I am grateful for it, especially looking back six years later. However, five years ago I was in the fog of grief and wondered if I would ever get out. That is when I first heard this brilliant line from one of my favorite theologians Bono. I liked so much it ended up in my DMIN thesis.
Maggie and Ellen forever broke my heart. Yet through that broken heart, I have learned to show up as an open hearted man, husband, father, and pastor. As a pastor that means that I have learned to receive love and give love in a more vulnerable way I ever imagined.
Pastors give and proclaim love. We have the privilege of proclaiming God’s love which gave all heaven could give through Jesus to a world in desperate need of love. The irony is, many pastors have a hard time receiving love. I’m convinced that’s part of the reason why so many pastors burn out. It is not so much due to changing culture or mean parishioners (though sometimes that is the case). Pastors have a tendency to put shields up around our hearts that can harden our heart if we are not careful. Leading a church from a harden heart leads to shortcuts, competition, and in the worst cases, moral failings.
Yet an open heart necessarily requires a broken heart. Too many times we pastors shield our broken hearts out of fear of not seeming faithful, or perfect, or whatever other standard we place on ourselves. Pastors, we are human, created by God, loved by God, redeemed by God, forgiven by God, and sustained by God. To receive these gifts requires an open heart. To give these gifts require an open heart. Do not shy away from broken heartedness because that is where more times than not you will find God.
COVID-19 has caused many broken hearts this year. From the loss of life in our congregations to us not being able to meet with each other for a while to the frustration that even though we may be “back” we are not back. For many of us, the way we pastor - in person and face to face - has been disrupted. Lean into that broken hearted ness, because a heart that is open is a heart that is broken. There you will find the gifts you need from God to pastor no matter what else comes during this pandemic.